The Theist (Western)
There is a compassionate God who cares about you. Happiness comes from love, service, and surrender to God. (But, according to many Christians, God is vengeful and jealous and may torture you if you disobey Him.)
The Theist (Eastern)
Your Higher Self (atman) is identical with God (Brahma). Purify yourself, meditate and surrender so that you become One with God.
Craving, anger, and delusion cause unnecessary suffering. Let go of your attachment to these defilements and free yourself from the insubstantial ego. Then settle into your original empty nature (which is good, kinda, but not good enough to quality as an essence or soul).
The New Age Mystic
There are benevolent angels and spirits that will guide you, but also malevolent forces you must resist.
The Badass Cynic
The world is a dangerous and cruel place. Kick ass and you can be on top.
The Depressive Loser
The world is a dangerous and cruel place. If you’re not angry, scared and depressed, there’s something seriously wrong with you and you should see a trained professional.
The Mature Atheist
Life is both wonderful and dangerous. Grow up and don’t expect perfection, eternal life, or someone to save you. Study hard, work hard, be nice to people, be careful, and enjoy the ride.