New Year’s resolution for Washingtonians: help Texas secede
Dear Texas,
Howdy!
We here in Washington State have heard tell that you’re itchin’ to leave the Union now that the renegade Marxist/Muslim/Kenyan Black man who wants to take away your guns, close down your churches, and force you to marry your dope-smoking gay neighbor has been re-elected.
And since we pinko liberals are fond of making resolutions to cut back on our fat, fear, and
frustration levels in the New Year, we just have one question to ask of you: How can we help you secede?
Well, actually, we do have a few more questions, namely:
- Exactly how do you intend to survive financially without all the federal aid you government-hatin’ folks in the Red States receive? Got enough oil rigs and longhorns to run an entire country?
- Y’all seem to be prone to natural disasters—hurricanes, tornadoes and suchlike. Who you gonna call the next time Mama Nature gets it in Her head to wallop the United (or would it be Untied) State of Texas. Can’t come crawling back to bad old Washington, D.C.
- Supposing Mexico takes a notion to reassert ownership over the Lonely Star Republic. You’ll have to rely on whatever militia you can muster since all your military bases and installations will remain the property of us right here in the U.S.A. You might be able to hold off one or two small drug cartels at the Rio Grande, but the whole Mexican army? Adios!
Nonetheless, we Washingtonians do have a couple of helpful suggestions:
- If you need any assistance writing those whackdoodle textbooks for your school system—seeing as history and science ain’t exactly your strong suits—we could lend you a couple of good sci-fi and fantasy writers. Got plenty of them in these parts.
- And how about we trade you, say, Spokane for Austin? No bastion of progressive open-mindedness like Austin would belong in the new Texas, Inc. And we could sure use a bulwark against incursion by white supremacist loons in the Idaho panhandle.
So you see, Texas, ridding the Union of you would be one New Year’s resolution we Blue States would just love to keep.
You’re welcome!
Colbert on succession:
Originally published at Examiner.com