by Lansing Scott
Drunk Uncle Sam is on the lam. He escaped from DC and has been hitchhiking across the country, sleeping under bridges, & drinking his Thunderbird for months now. Hes almost reached Vancouver, BC, where he will formally apply for political asylum.
Asked to explain his sudden departure from his job as personification of the United States of America, Sam said, “Are you fucking kidding me? Like anybody would want this job right now? They wanted me to lead a campaign encouraging ICE agents to separate babies from their mothers. That was the final straw. Luckily Id skipped town before they could make me recruit support for that rapist judge Kavanaugh.”
Asked why he was seeking political asylum in Canada, Sam said, “I’ve been in an abusive relationship with this government. I cant take it any more! Were all in serious danger unless we vote against Republican control of government on Nov. 6.”
Pointing his finger at the camera, drunk Uncle Sam said, “I WANT YOU to get out the vote in this election! Im not fucking kidding! DO IT!”
Note: I could have shown a busty woman on the right, but that would have been crude, politically incorrect, and offensive to many people. So I showed a man’s bust.
Politically incorrect version:
Like Xbox One and PlayStation 4, the rollout of Obamacare may be “full of glitches, but I can’t wait to get it,” says comedian, voice-over artist and progressive political pundit Hal Sparks. Sparks will be appearing with Stephanie Miller, John Fugelsang, and “guest panelist” Seattle’s own lampooner laureate Dan Savage, Saturday, December 14, at 8:00pm in the Paramount Theatre.
For those who whine about the debut of the Affordable Healthcare Act’s national website, Sparks likes to point out that private industry didn’t do much better with those two video game blockbusters.
That’s the overall problem with Republican blathering about deregulation and the “free market” system, according to Sparks. People like Sen. Rand Paul keep insisting that the “free market” would make everything better. “But how,” Sparks wonders, “Why would they bother (cleaning up the environment) if they weren’t told to?” Short-term profit and long-term public good are incompatible, according to the core mission of a corporation, which is to make as much money as possible in the shortest possible time for their shareholders. Folks like Rand Paul basically “want corporations to be able to poison us and get away with it!”
Which is why Sparks sees Rand Paul as “stunningly, overtly, and powerfully full of (well, excrement).”
Hal holds roughly the same opinion of other right-wing Republicans like former vice presidential candidate and big-government opponent Paul Ryan. “Paul Ryan went to school on government funds,” notes Sparks, “and then got a government job.” Such blatant hypocrisy runs rampant in the Republican Party.
Conservatives seem to revere two books, Atlas Shrugged and the Bible. One raises selfishness to a high art form, while the other preaches a gospel of love and compassion. Likewise, conservatives seem to worship two gods, Ayn Rand and Jesus of Nazareth. One referred to religious thinking as “mentally retarded,” the other urged his followers to “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.”
“Atlas Shrugged and the Bible are mutually exclusive,” suggests Sparks, “unless you’re a sociopath.” Not to mention that before she died Ayn Rand relied on Social Security payments from the very government she so despised.
Sparks, himself a self-made man of many voices, holds entrepreneurship in high regard. “Self-reliance is great,” he says, “but you don’t need to choke off the poor and kick people when they’re down.”
What does Hal Sparks see in America’s political future? That’s coming up next in the Seattle Liberal blog. Stay tuned.
And don’t forget to catch the outrageously irreverent “Sexy Liberal” show, December 14!
I don’t get to hear Steph and the Mooks as often now, with no smart phone for my commute time; however I learned from our “Bring Back Progressive Talk to the Northwest” Facebook page that Steph is coming to Seattle! Hope to see a full house of progressives! We have not had a chance to gather as a full group for quite a while! See you there!
Stephanie Miller in Seattle, Dec. 14!
Stephanie Miller’s “Sexy Liberal Comedy Tour” with John Fugelsang and Hal Sparks
The Paramount Theatre in Seattle on December 14, 2013.
Saturday, December 14, 2013
Doors at 7:00 pm, Show at 8:00 PM
Prior to going nationwide, Stephanie pulled #1 ratings at KABC and KFI in Los Angeles and other radio stations in New York and Chicago.
You know her from tons of exposure on TV, and on comedy’s prime stages: host of CNBC’s Equal Time, Oxygen TV’s I’ve Got a Secret, and many others. Stephanie has also appeared on CNN’s Joy Behar, Larry King Live, Reliable Sources, as well as MSNBC’s The Ed Show, Hannity and Colmes and Neal Cavuto on Fox News, the Today Show, the Tonight Show, Good Morning America, among many others.
Stephanie comes to the left, from the right. She’s the daughter of William Miller, Barry Goldwater’s 1964 Republican presidential running mate.
Her humor and snappy political wit draws listeners from all sides and makes her the perfect antidote to cantankerous conservatives.
Show at 8:00 pm
THE PARAMOUNT THEATRE
911 Pine Street
Seattle, WA 98101